Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Tia - KPS 100WC - Week 1

The Alien  - Tia Room 8 - Kamo Primary School

I was in my rocket. Suddenly I heard a crack. My rocket had started to brake up. I quickly ran to get my space suit and helmet on. I jumped onto mars. I saw an alien, I screamed loudly. The alien ran off but I followed it. I saw that he had run into an underground castle. I went into the castle. I saw the leader, the little alien was telling him about me landing on mars. I ran outside but the guards caught me and locked me in their dungeon. I screamed for help. “HELP!” How can I escape?


  1. Tia -

    You have a big problem with this story: I don't know how you're going to escape!

    However, I really enjoyed the story, which got me interested and kept me reading quickly to the end, because the action was very fast-moving. One thing I noticed is that you used the word "I" a lot. This can be quite difficult to avoid when you're writing in the first person, but one way to use it a little less often is to try some connectives. You've already used "but" a couple of times: how about trying some others like "however", or use a few more "and"s to make slightly longer sentences?

    I enjoyed your story: keep writing!

    -MikeB (team 100wc)


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